The Ashes is currently taking place Down Under. The first of five Tests has just finished and what's shocking is that it finished within two days. Australia ended up winning by 8 wickets. England were shambolic in their batting and some say their bowling. They have consequently come under huge criticism.
It is said The Camfield, the pub just outside Perth Stadium, is the largest in the southern hemisphere.
There's plenty of room to drown English sorrows. Supporters can numb their pain, at least until they wake up on Sunday morning and find a ticket for the third day of the first Ashes Test is now nothing more than an expensive bookmark.
They have witnessed England's worst Test defeat in Australia for years and the first two-day Ashes Test since 1921. There have been some doozies: bowled out for 68 by Scott Boland four years ago; terrorised by Mitchell Johnson in 2013-14 and spun out by Shane Warne after declaring on 551-6 in Adelaide in 2006.
This hits differently though. England had a golden opportunity to pounce in Perth, win their first Test in this country for 14 years and their first away Ashes opener since 1986. Instead, the shiny new Perth Stadium has turned out to be just the same as the WACA - dripping in English disappointment. Only one win in 15 visits to this city in 55 years.
Just after 13:00 local time, England were 105 runs ahead with 9 second-innings wickets in hand. Australia had been bowled out for 132 in their first innings. The pitch had made batters an endangered species.
Four and a half hours later, England had lost by 8 wickets. That included 20 minutes for tea. Deckchairs show more resistance to folding.
When England emerged for what turned out to be the final session of the match, they were still favourites. A target of 205 seemed stiff for Australia. Only 28.5 overs later, it was all done. England had been Trav-balled.
An England attack that was rampant only 24 hours earlier was dismantled by one of the great Ashes innings from Travis Head. From shock and awe to shocking and awful. England aren't a bad cricket team. They are a good cricket team that can occasionally be a thrilling cricket team. They are also a stubborn, maddening and slow-learning cricket team.
Many of the worst, most painful defeats since Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum took charge have been self-inflicted.
In Wellington in 2023, England made New Zealand follow on, and lost. In the Ashes of the same year, England declared on day one at Edgbaston (Warwickshire), then had the benefit of Nathan Lyon limping off Lord's (London). They lost both.
The following year, away to India in Rajkot: 224-2 in reply to 445, with Ravichandran Ashwin out of the match to attend a family emergency. England lost. In July of this year, England needed 73 more to pull off a record chase against India at The Oval (London) with Harry Brook and Joe Root at the crease making hundreds. England lost.
It is great the Bazballers have form for backs-to-the-wall run chases but it's just as good to win from a position of dominance. Stokes often says he doesn't like the word "ruthless." Perhaps it is because his team aren't.
The most galling part of this defeat is what it could have done to Australia. The West Australian newspaper harangued England through Perth airport, called them crybabys, arrogant and cocky. It only took one ropey first-day performance from Australia for the West Australian to turn on them.
Lyon was limping again. There were whispers Australia had picked the wrong team. Knives were out for Usman Khawaja and his dodgy back. Now, Khawaja is a national hero for allowing Head to open the batting.
Stand-in captain, Steve Smith, might've been asked why he had rehearsed a monologue about Monty Panesar's appearance on Mastermind. Instead, he sat at the post-match news conference as a winning skipper, literally slapping Head on the back. It had echoes of eight years ago in Brisbane, when Smith and Cameron Bancroft laughed through the Jonny Bairstow headbutt incident.
Now, Australia go to the second Test in Brisbane, played in a day-night format they hardly ever lose. The hosts have the luxury of not rushing captain, Pat Cummins' return. Mitchell Starc, 10 wickets in Perth, has wizarding skills with the pink ball Harry Potter would be proud of.
The reaction out of the UK to England's stunning two-day Ashes defeat has been, well, about as you would expect, with former players lashing the performance.
The visitors appeared to have full control of proceedings early on day two as Ben Duckett and Ollie Pope built the foundation of a lead that Australia would've extreme difficulty chasing. However, they would then lose four wickets for just 23 runs thanks to Scott Boland and Mitchell Starc and the door was left ajar for the Aussies.
Travis Head then delivered one of the all-time great Ashes performances, bashing 123 off 83 balls to turn a difficult run chase into one of the great Test victories.
In the aftermath, the result gets wilder the more you think about it. Australia put England away in just two days without Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood. Nathan Lyon bowled two overs. Usman Khawaja was barely present and threw the batting order into disarray.
It’s been just one Test match but the pitchforks are already out for England. They’re sharp too. The visitors’ embarrassing loss to Australia inside just two days has sparked a bevy of fiery criticism from the travelling media and former Test legends.
Perhaps the most scathing comments came from England cricketing legend, Geoffrey Boycott.
"Before this series started Ben Stokes told the world that any ex-player who criticised them or had a different opinion were "has-beens" because Test cricket had changed and the past was irrelevant," Boycott wrote. "Well, from this has been the message is simple: when you keep throwing away Test matches by doing the same stupid things it is impossible to take you seriously."
"They never learn, because they never listen to anyone outside their own bubble, because they truly believe their own publicity. Now it has bitten them in an Ashes Test, the biggest challenge of all and unless they mount a spectacular comeback, they will regret it for a very long time."
One of the greatest opening batsmen in England cricketing history, Boycott liked to slowly construct his innings, posting a career strike rate of around 35. He’s the antithesis to 'Bazball'.
So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that most of Boycott’s frustration stems from a lack of discipline with bat in hand.
In the first innings, England were bundled out for 172 in just 32.5 overs. In the second knock, they only faced 11 more balls, losing all ten wickets in 34.5 overs.
"Brainless batting and bowling lost England the match," Boycott continued. "A 40-run lead on a fast, bouncy, low-scoring pitch was huge and, with Ben Duckett and Ollie Pope together at one stage, England were in charge at effectively 100 for one. But as exciting as this England team can be, they are always only a blink of an eye away from self-destruction."
"Chasing balls away from your body on fast, bouncy pitches is fraught with danger. It’s like Russian roulette. Save those shots for low, slow surfaces where the odds are in a batsman’s favour."
“When the Aussies get stuck for a wicket all they have to do is go fishing. Dangle the bait and wait for a bite. Our lot can’t resist. Bazball, bad judgment, overconfidence, whatever the reason, it makes winning matches difficult. Against top teams like India and Australia it is a huge factor in losing."
Also writing for The Telegraph, leading UK scribe, Nick Hoult, lashed the touring side, calling their performance "gutless" and that the series is in "danger of spiralling out of control."
"Of all the many, many England defeats in Australia this one cuts the deepest. To be beaten in two days by eight wickets and bowled out quicker in a Test than at any time since 1904 is gutless enough," Hoult wrote.
"To surrender a match-winning position so lamely in a Test of this magnitude, and destroying hope in such a self-destructive way, is far worse than the bleak, humiliating picture those statistics paint. England had a golden chance to go up 1-0 in an away Ashes Tour for the first time in almost 40 years but instead the tour is in danger of spiralling out of control and the whole Bazball project imploding."
"England were soft when it mattered and an Australian team staring at some serious bloodletting ambushed the first Test just like they did at Edgbaston two years ago. Now this trip threatens to go the same way as so many others to Australia: spiral out of control."
"Of all the many, many England defeats in Australia this one cuts the deepest. To be beaten in two days by eight wickets and bowled out quicker in a Test than at any time since 1904 is gutless enough," Hoult wrote.
"They need to remember they played a lot of good cricket in this game - and remember that when you get ahead be ruthless and smart. It is a mountain to climb for England but they have a lot of character and a captain with a lot of character. They are going to need that."
Meanwhile, former England captain, Nasser Hussain, isn’t panicking, although he concedes it’ll be a tall task to win the series from here.
Hussain noted England fought back from 2-0 to force a series draw in the last Ashes series. "They have a lot of character. They just have to show it now. But it is different in Australia," Hussain wrote for Sky Sports. "This is a defeat that will be difficult to come back from, I know that from experience. The whole nation will go at them, start doubting them and laughing at them."
The former England captain has urged the group to stay positive but knows their task is now incredibly difficult.
"I've seen a lot of Ashes cricket and I've seen a lot of Test cricket, but you have to go a long way to beat what I've seen these last two days," he wrote for Sky Sports. "The wheels came off for England with bat and ball and it was a stroke of genius for Australia to open with Travis Head. He Bazballed England's Bazballers, let's be honest."
"The whole nation will go at them, start doubting them and laughing at them. It is a mountain to climb for England but they have a lot of character and a captain with a lot of character. They are going to need that."
Another great of English cricket in Michael Atherton believes England failed to put Australia away when they had the chance. "It was a combination of good bowling (by Australia) and poor batting (by England)," he told Sky Sports.
"Australia was right under the cosh when that second wicket partnership was going well between Duckett and Pope and at lunch you felt if England could have one more good session they could almost put the game beyond Australia but that wasn't to be."
Speaking to Wisden, Michael Vaughan hopes England spends the next week practicing hard for the unique conditions of the upcoming pink ball Test in Brisbane.
"It's amateurish if they don't go an play [a day-night warm-up Test]... What damage is it going to do you as a team and a player to play a pink ball game against Starc? The bowlers even, I mean, they've played two days of cricket and they've been out in the field for what, 70 overs?"
"They're professional cricketers. I can't be so old school to suggest that by playing cricket, you might get a little bit better. I'd like to know why they wouldn't [hold a practice day-nighter]."
A day-night match between England and Australia's Prime Minister XI is scheduled for Canberra next week but it remains unclear how many of England's top players will take part.
McCullum for his part admits this loss is going to hurt for a long time but won't change the 'Bazball' approach. "We've been trying to insulate against reacting to things too much for a little while," he told TNT Sport in the UK.
"We know that this one's going to hurt, and it's going to hurt not just us, but all the English people that follow this cricket team as well. There'll be a lot of a lot of chatter. For us, it's a matter of making sure that we don't allow our confidence and our camaraderie to dip too low."
"We know that at our best, we're a very good cricket team. We have now got an extended amount of time off over the next 10 to 12 days to make sure that when we get to Brisbane, we bounce back.
"This is a marathon, not a sprint. We've had a very bad day today, but we've done it before. That's our blueprint. We're married to that, and we won't back down from that over the next four Tests."
The Perth Test between Australia and England ended with Travis Head's blitz and after a first day of batting nightmare from both sides, Day 2 saw some respite.
England batters managed to stay a little bit longer on the crease than on Day 1 and piled up a sumptuous total to give a target of 205 runs for Australia to chase. However, Head's heroic ton obliterated the visitors as Australia glided past the victory margin confidently.
However, in the process, players from both sides broke multiple records in the Ashes Test. The most significant ones are listed below:
- Ben Stokes’ 5-fer from just 36 balls made him the fifth fastest bowler to take a five-wicket haul for England in Test cricket, as he now joins legends like Stuart Broad, Johnny Briggs and Bernard Bosanquet.
- Mitchell Starc produced his career-best bowling figures in Test cricket, finishing with a remarkable 7-58, surpassing his previous best of 6 for 9 against West Indies earlier this year. It's also one of the best ever figures by an Australian left-arm pacer against England at home.
- The opening day of the Ashes also saw both innings begin with a maiden-wicket over, something never witnessed before in the history of the Ashes rivalry.
- Australia also recorded their lowest innings totals in Perth in Tests, being bowled out for 132 against England on Day 2.
- Ben Stokes now also has the best bowling figures as captain against Australia in Australia in a Test match, with his 5 -23 in Perth. The best overall belongs to India's Kapil Dev, who took 8-106 back in 1985.
- Zak Crawley joins list for most opener ducks. It is the fourth time that has happened, as Zak Crawley bagged two ducks in two innings. Crawley also recorded the joint-fourth most ducks by an England opener in Tests, alongside Geoff Boycott, with Mike Atherton leading the list with 17 ducks.
- Scott Boland took 1 639 balls to reach the landmark of taking 50 wickets in Tests, becming the fourth player to do so; while South Africa’s Vernon Philander leads the list, needing only 1 383 balls to achieve 50 Test wickets.
- Starc also moved up the list for the most 10-wicket hauls by Australian pacers, reaching alongside Glenn McGrath, Graham McKenzie and Mitchell Johnson, while Dennis Lillee leads with seven 10-wicket hauls.
- Steve Smith now tops the chart for the most catches as a fielder against a single opponent, taking 61 catches against England. The list also includes (Indian) Rahul Dravid, (Englishman) Ian Botham and (Aussie) Allan Border.
- Travis Head recorded the third-fastest fifty in Ashes cricket by balls, reaching the milestone in just 36 deliveries and equalling Kevin Pietersen’s record from 2013 at The Oval.
- Head also registered one of the fastest hundreds in the Ashes, bringing it up from just 69 balls. The fastest Ashes century is held by Adam Gilchrist, who achieved the feat off 57 balls at Perth.
- Australia also achieved an unprecedented milestone by taking the fewest overs to chase down a 200-plus target in a Test match. They required only 28.2 overs to reach 205, breaking England’s previous record of chasing 204 in 35.3 overs.
- With England surviving only 32.5 overs in their first innings on Day 1, the tourists ended up facing just 405 deliveries (67.3 overs) across both innings combined. This collapse saw them slump to a new low, breaking a 130-year-old unwanted record.
Where do England go from here? They have been beaten so swiftly in Perth they have time to fly home, have a week off, then fly back to Brisbane for a round of golf and the second Test.
Australia bowled out England twice in 67.3 overs in Perth. Not since 1904 have England survived so few deliveries in losing a Test.
Based on what Stokes and McCullum said, it appears one place the bulk of the Ashes squad willn't be going is Canberra for a two-day pink-ball match between England Lions and the Prime Minister's XI next weekend. England will rest in Brisbane instead.
The opportunity to tune up under lights will be largely passed in the name of unity and morale. England have only one training session under lights in Brisbane.
It wouldn't be a surprise if England field the same XI in the second Test. The batters will be backed and the five-pronged pace attack looked on to something in the first innings in Perth.
Where England might turn if the batting continues to fail is a tricky question. Zak Crawley has been backed with Australia in mind, yet lasted only 11 balls across two innings here for the fourth Ashes pair by an England opener.
Crawley's position is curious. His standing is boosted by the strength of his combination with Ben Duckett, though the Kent man's returns are diminishing. His average as a Test opener - 30.22 - is the worst of any player with as many as Crawley's 96 innings at the top of the order.
It's not a close contest, either. Crawley is more than two runs behind West Indies' Kraigg Brathwaite.
If England decided on a change - highly unlikely - their options are limited. There is not another specialist opener in the squad. Jacob Bethell and Will Jacks have joined the Lions game against a Cricket Australia XI at Lilac Hill and will bat on Sunday. It would be interesting if either peels off a hundred.
McCullum has said his team will stick to their "blueprint." That's fine. Having conviction in a method is a sign of strong leadership and it would be odd to rip up three years of work and start again On Thursday - it feels like a lifetime ago - McCullum also said this Ashes series will "define" this England team.
The Bazballers are the sort of team capable of bouncing back from the pounding in Perth with a blitz of Brisbane. If they don't, they will be 2-0 down and on the way to being defined as the same as all the other England teams hammered in Australia in the past 14 years.
The second Test will get underway on 4 December from the Gabba.
I'm absolutely thrilled with the result. I always back Australia when it comes to The Ashes. I think the problem with England is that they are very much one-dimensional. It was a shock when Bazball was first unleashed. However, as time has gone on, it has been found out. Now, when they play teams, the latter can always prepare for the Poms because they know what to expect.
England will definitely have to learn different ways to play. They will soon get slaughtered if they continue to play the way they currently do.