Psychological manipulation can be a very dangerous thing. A person can tell someone what to do and they will do it without considering the possible consequences. This topic garnered my fascination after watching the Netflix docu-series, Beauty and the Bester. It shows the story of rapist, Thabo Bester and Dr. Nandipha Magudumana. I wanted to dig deeper into this topic.
To start off with, psychological manipulation refers to is a tactic employed by individuals to exploit the vulnerabilities and weaknesses of others for personal gain or control. This behaviour often leaves victims feeling powerless, as manipulators typically operate in subtle ways that make it difficult for victims to recognise the manipulation (Butt, 2024).
Common contexts for psychological manipulation include romantic relationships, familial interactions and workplace environments. Manipulators may employ various techniques such as guilt, lies, emotional blackmail and gaslighting; often under the guise of concern or helpfulness (Butt, 2024).
Psychological manipulation is particularly insidious because the victim is unaware that they are being manipulated. Abusers assess their victims by asking questions to determine their weaknesses, including possible insecurities. The manipulation often starts small but as the manipulator gains greater hold over the victim, the abusive behaviour escalates (Butt, 2024).
People choose to psychologically manipulate others for various reasons. Some want to feel powerful and inflate their own sense of self-worth. These people often have self-esteem issues and the ability to control others may make them feel better about themselves. Others might engage in the behavior because they are bored (Butt, 2024).
Manipulators often suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. Those who are afflicted with this disorder have an exaggerated perception of their self-importance. They feel a strong need to have someone loyal to them who will adore and admire them while dutifully complying with their orders and whims. Although narcissists brag at length and seem pretentious to those in their company, they are afflicted with low self-esteem (Butt, 2024).
Victims of psychological manipulation are conditioned by their abusers to blame themselves. Sometimes, victims feel fortunate that they aren't being physically abused. Many victims delude themselves into thinking that words don't hurt, yet emotional manipulation is based almost entirely on words (Butt, 2024).
Psychological manipulation leaves no physical evidence of abuse, and victims often wonder if they interpreted their abusers' words and actions incorrectly. Manipulators tend to exonerate themselves for their behaviour and foist any fault onto their victims (Butt, 2024).
Guilt is usually the first weapon abusers employ against their victims. A victim may not have done anything wrong for the abuser to use this method (Butt, 2024).
Manipulators are often insecure and will make their victims bear the burden of these insecurities. For example, if a boyfriend sees his girlfriend speaking to another person, he may tell her that he is fearful that she will leave him for the other person. The boyfriend's goal in this situation is to manipulate his girlfriend into no longer speaking to other people (Butt, 2024).
Emotional blackmail is another common tactic. An abuser may tell their victim that they will never find someone as good as the abuser or will be alone forever. The abuser might threaten to kill themselves if the victim leaves (Butt, 2024).
Gaslighting is emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own sanity and judgment. When a manipulator denies insulting or abusing their victim, this is gaslighting. The abuser may simply say that the event in question didn't happen or that their actions weren't meant to be harmful. This can cause the victim to doubt their own judgment and perception of events. The term comes from the 1938 play, Gas Light, by Patrick Hamilton, which details the tribulations of a woman whose husband tries to convince her that she is insane (Butt, 2024).
People who manipulate others often have very high emotional intelligence (EI). EI is usually a good skill to have because it helps you understand what others may be thinking or feeling. In this case, EI helps a manipulator:
- Quickly spot your weaknesses and figure out how to use them against you.
- Persuade you to give up something important to you, so you start to rely on them.
- Not give up easily. Once they succeed in their manipulation, they'll likely continue to do so until you get out of the situation (Booth, 2024).
A manipulator will try to bring you out of your comfort zone and places that you're familiar with to have an advantage over you. This can be in any place that the manipulator feels ownership of or in control (Booth, 2024).
A manipulator will lie to you, make excuses, blame you or strategically share some facts and withhold other truths. In doing this, they feel they're gaining power over you and are smarter than you (Booth, 2024).
Manipulators exaggerate and generalise. They may say things like, "No one has ever loved me." They use vague accusations to make it harder for you to see the holes in their arguments (Booth, 2024).
Bullies don’t always use physical violence. Constant criticism, raised voices and threats are all forms of emotional bullying. Social bullying can take the form of rumour spreading or purposely making you feel left out (Booth, 2024).
Other forms include intellectual and bureaucratic bullying. In intellectual bullying, someone tries to claim the role of subject matter expert, making you feel like you don't know anything and have to depend on them. Bureaucratic bullying is the use of red tape – laws, procedures or paperwork – to overwhelm you and thwart your goals (Booth, 2024).
Showering someone with praise and affection, also called, "love-bombing," is a common manipulation tactic. It's even used in cults. It happens because the manipulator is trying to speed up your relationship so you feel more attached to them (Booth, 2024).
Protecting yourself against psychological manipulation involves several strategies:
- Understand the signs: familiarise yourself with the signs of psychological manipulation. This could include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, playing the victim, exploiting your weaknesses and being subject to sporadic positive reinforcement or love-bombing.
- Knowledge of the Dark Triad traits: understanding the traits of the Dark Triad (psychopathy, narcissim and Machiavellianism) can help you recognise when someone is using these traits to manipulate you. Be aware of behaviors such as deceit, grandiosity, lack of empathy, reckless disregard for others, and constant violation of social norms.
- Maintain Strong Boundaries: one way to protect yourself is by setting and maintaining clear personal boundaries. Define what is acceptable behaviour from others and be assertive in maintaining these limits.
- Seek objective opinions: if you feel manipulated, consult with trusted friends, family members,or a mental health professional to get their perspective. This can help validate your feelings and provide additional insight.
- Emotional self-care: engage in practices that promote emotional well-being and resilience. This could include mindfulness, meditation, physical activity, and keeping a support network of trustworthy people.
- Professional help: If you feel constantly manipulated or if the situation is affecting your mental health, seeking professional help from a psychologist or therapist is crucial. They can provide strategies to manage manipulation and help you navigate the process.
- Limit or cut off contact: In severe cases where the manipulation is consistent and causing harm, limiting or entirely cutting off contact with the manipulator may be necessary (Grant, 2024).
Psychological manipulation can significantly influence human interactions and relationships, ranging from subtle shifts in behaviour to profound changes in a person's mental and emotional health (Grant, 2024).
Altered Perception of Reality: manipulative tactics like gaslighting can make individuals question their perception of reality, leading to self-doubt and confusion. Perception altering can fundamentally change the dynamics of interpersonal interactions, as the manipulated person might constantly question their judgments or recall of events (Grant, 2024, cited, Cialdini, 2001).
Damaged Trust: deceptive, manipulative techniques can erode trust in relationships. When people realise they have been deceived or manipulated, they may find it challenging to trust the manipulator and others in their social and professional networks (Grant, 2024, cited, Mitnick & Simon, 2002).
Impaired Mental Health: persistent manipulation can lead to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other mental health issues. These mental health impairments can impact the individual's interactions, making them wary, withdrawn or overly defensive in other relationships (Grant, 2024, cited, Jones & Paulhus, 2010).
Strained Relationships: manipulation can strain relationships, whether personal, professional or social. The manipulated person may feel used or exploited, leading to resentment, distancing or complete severance of relationships (Grant, 2024, cited, Buss, 2002).
Loss of Autonomy: manipulation techniques like coercion can lead to loss of autonomy, as the manipulated individual feels pressured to act according to the manipulator's desires. These manipulations can change the power dynamics in interactions, making the manipulated person submissive or compliant (Grant, 2024, cited, Greitemeyer & Sagioglou, 2017).
Decreased Self-Esteem: continuous manipulation can reduce self-esteem and self-worth, as the individual may feel inadequate or powerless. These assaults on self-esteem can affect their confidence in other interactions and relationships (Grant, 2024).
Increased Aggression: psychological manipulation can lead to increased aggression or retaliation, especially if the manipulated person realises they are being controlled or deceived and decides to resist or retaliate (Grant, 2024).
These impacts can have ripple effects, influencing not only the manipulated person's present relationships but also their future interactions and ability to form healthy relationships. While manipulation can have severe impacts, understanding its signs and tactics can empower individuals to recognize and resist manipulation, seek support, and cultivate healthier interpersonal dynamics (Grant, 2024).
A quick note on the docu-series, I found extremely insightful and gripping. I had a basic understanding of the story. I never knew the entire story. It was absolutely fascinating. The back story and eventual unfolding of the "Bonnie and Clyde" couple was mind boggling. The eventual outcome didn't surprise me. People who go on the run will eventually get caught.
I find it amusing that the two attempted to halt the release of the docu-series. Convicted South African rapist Thabo Bester had lost a court bid to block Netflix from broadcasting a documentary about his life - including how he allegedly faked his death and escaped from prison.
His lawyers argued that, Beauty and the Bester was defamatory but the streaming giant defended its plan to release the three-part investigation.
Bester's partner, celebrity doctor, Nandipha Magudumana, features in the documentary, having allegedly helped him escape. She was part of the court bid to halt the release.
In a court ruling on Friday, a judge said the rape case was, "firmly in the public domain" and that they had failed to prove that their petition was urgent. She, however, said that the pair would still be free to sue for defamation if they wished, after the documentary airs. It was released hours after Friday's judgement was delivered.
It is quite clear that manipulation is dangerous. It can be hard to get out of it once you're hooked in it. It's best to recognise it early on so it can be avoided.
Reference List
Booth, S. (2024). Signs of Manipulation. Available from: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-manipulation (Accessed: 13 September 2025).
Butt, R. (2024). Psychological manipulation. Available from: https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/health-and-medicine/psychological-manipulation (Accessed: 13 September 2025).
Grant, K.W..(2024). Understanding and Combatting Psychological Manipulation. Available from: https://www.kevinwgrant.com/blog/item/understanding-and-combatting-psychological-manipulation (Accessed: 13 September 2025).