The second Ashes Test has now been concluded. It lasted four days - double that of the first Test. Australia came out on top by 8 wickets. While Australia have been praised for winning with an "understrength" side - missing regular captain, Pat Cummins and fast bowler, Josh Hazlewood.
England, on the other hand, have been hit with harsh criticism from nearly every English pundit and former players.
Realistically, albeit not mathematically, this Ashes series so far has been completed in over six days of cricket.
England have never come from 2-0 down to beat Australia, who have the added security of holding the urn. Australia have not lost three consecutive home Tests to anyone in 38 years. There will be no defining series win for the Ben Stokes-Brendon McCullum era.
Instead, this team is battling to avoid the worst England performance on an Ashes tour this century. There have been some belters either side of a 2010-11 victory that is increasingly starting to feel like a fever dream of sprinkler dances, a Swann keeping a diary and a knight of the realm wearing a chef's hat.
In 2002-03, England lost 4-1 but took hope from the runs of Michael Vaughan. In 2006-07, England's Ashes winners of 2005 were ravaged by injury and felt the wrath of one of the greatest teams of all time.
There has been revisionism about 2013-14. England arrived as favourites, though any team would have been destroyed by Mitchell Johnson. Four years later was the birth of Australia's 'big four' attack. Last time - the Covid tour of 2021-22 - England had no chance.
This was England's big opportunity. The most anticipated Ashes series in a generation. This is why James Anderson was pensioned off, why performances in domestic cricket were largely ignored and why parts of the County Championship were turned into an experiment with the Kookaburra ball.
Australia were supposed to be ageing and in decline - "the worst team in 15 years." Instead, the home side have rissoled England with their reserve bowling attack and opening batter, Usman Khawaja, out with a bad back.
Steve Smith has been able to spend time revising Monty Panesar's answers on Mastermind and Pat Cummins felt comfortable enough to go through a charade over whether or not he would play at the Gabba.
The biggest insult was the Brisbane crowd voting Australia's Bluey as the superior children's cartoon to the UK's Peppa Pig. This England team owe Peppa an apology. She would probably do a better job in the top order.
The most hostile pace attack England have sent to Australia since 1970 have bowled well for one session. Shoaib Bashir, a spinner backed specifically for this tour, is still to play on it.
Wicketkeeper, Jamie Smith, looks overwhelmed by the occasion. Being pictured not wearing a helmet on his e-scooter must feel like a golden age for Smith, considering the week he has had at the Gabba.
It's England's batting that will cause the biggest recrimination. If Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; England have collectively lost their marbles and their wickets.
Drive after drive. Edge after edge. Catch after catch. Bargain basement batting from a group playing like millionaires. Sachin Tendulkar once made 241 in Sydney by deliberately resisting the cover drive. This lot must think they are better than the Little Master.
Actions speak louder than word, but the words are pretty damning, too. "They always play their shots. If we put as many balls in the right areas they're going to give you some chances," said Aussie fast bowler, Scott Boland, who faced more deliveries in the second Test than all of Ben Duckett, Ollie Pope and Harry Brook.
Asked before the second Test to describe the "Australian way of playing Test cricket," Smith said: "Adapting to conditions and what's in front of us, playing the game in real time. [It is] not get back in the shed and say 'we should have played this way, we should have done this'."
"Playing what's in front of us and doing it for long periods. If you do that in Test cricket it holds you in pretty good stead."
Contrast that to assistant coach, Marcus Trescothick's explanation for England's approach on the third evening in Brisbane. "We are trying to play the way we want to play," said Trescothick. "You have to have a style of play you stick to, don't you?"
Therein lies the problem. England have become slaves to their style, stubbornly believing a one-size-fits-all method will bring results in Test cricket. It was thrilling at first, a much-needed kiss of life to a team that won only one of its previous 17 matches. It produced some superb performances and magic moments.
In the cold light of day, it can be argued England beat the teams they should have beaten anyway.
The Gabba is an eighth defeat in England's past 15 Tests. Away from home, they have lost 10 in 14. There has been no win in a five-Test series against Australia or India. If it feels harsh to use a 4-1 defeat in India at the beginning of last year as part of the judgement, India have recently lost 3-0 at home to New Zealand and 2-0 to South Africa.
The Bazball empire is now at risk of capitulation. Pre-series, it felt like defeat in Australia wouldn't necessarily necessitate change, depending on the manner of performance.
Losing 3-2 after a decider in Sydney is vastly different to losing 3-2 after being 3-0 down. England could still win (which would be remarkable). They could also lose 5-0.
Stokes and McCullum both have contracts until the end of the next home Ashes in 2027. Rob Key manages them both. England and Wales Cricket Board chief executive, Richard Gould and chairman, Richard Thompson, will take the temperature of public reaction - currently boiling hot.
Beyond the management, there are careers and reputations of players on the line. One wonders what they are saying in the dressing room.
In the aftermath of the Gabba defeat, the comments of Stokes and McCullum were as strong as they have been in their three-plus years in charge. The two alphas publicly questioning the mentality of the England team is something that could come back to haunt them later in the tour.
"A dressing room that I am captain of is not a place for weak men," said Stokes. Bar dragging in rookies from the England Lions - who are getting hammered by Australia A - England will have to rely on this group of players to salvage something from the tour.
England have not brought a specialist back-up keeper, so Smith is likely to remain in the firing line. There's no reserve specialist opener. The back-up batter, Jacob Bethell, has pretty much been on a gap year but at least made 71 for the Lions on Sunday.
When a spinner is needed for the third Test in Adelaide, Australia can call on Nathan Lyon's 562 Test wickets. England will have to gamble on Bashir, chosen off the back of a clip on social media and currently without a county contract. His figures for the Lions were 0-115.
There is more than a week until that third Test, time when England will have to justify their holiday on the Sunshine Coast. When they return from their jollies, they will have the task of keeping the Ashes alive past Christmas. Fail and it would be hard to argue this is not England's worst Ashes tour of modern times.
Ben Stokes and his England team-mates have been enjoying a few beers during a beachside getaway to the popular Queensland tourist hotspot, Noosa, in the wake of their dismal eight-wicket defeat by Australia at The Gabba on Sunday.
It comes after England went 2-0 down in the Ashes series, leaving their hopes of winning Down Under for the first time in 14 years hanging by a thread.
Whether it's been playing golf in the build-up to the Perth Test or landing in trouble with Queensland police after riding around Brisbane on e-scooters without helmets - in contravention of the state's road rules - the Bazballers have been heavily scrutinised since touching down in Australia and have again risked ruffling the feathers of some of their fans.
Head coach, Brendon McCullum, revealed on Sunday that his side would be taking a break from training this week, after controversially stating that the tourists had āoverpreparedā ahead of their defeat in Brisbane. The trip to Noosa had, though, been planned prior to the squad's arrival Down Under.
Naturally, some Aussie newspapers were quick to fire a dig at the Bazballers.
The West Australian writes: "Already 2-0 down in the Ashes after just six days of cricket, the woeful Poms soaked up the Queensland sun in the latest leg of their summer pleasure jaunt Down Under." The outlet adds: "After gallivanting around golf courses in Perth and joyriding without helmets on E-scooters in Brisbane, England favoured rest and relaxation for their latest mid-series break."
"They looked a little more like naughty schoolboys when they became aware of the cameras on them, staring down the barrel with grim expressions."
The West Australian also mocked the tourists on its back page on Wednesday after Wood was ruled out of the remainder of the series. The masthead published a glum-looking picture of the fast bowler with the headline: 'Wood not want to be them right now,' a play on the Durham seamer's name.
The sub-heading added: "Poms' tour somehow gets even worse."
England cricket legend, David Lloyd, also criticised the tourists' decision to travel to Noosa, claiming if he was in the England team, he'd be getting back in the nets instead of heading to Noosa. "I don't think I'd be going to Noosa. I'm a bit old-school, it'd be naughty boy nets," he told BBC Sport following the second Test defeat on Sunday.
'There are definite consequences to this. There always has been, there always will be.'There will be consequences and those start with those in charge.'
Noosa is one of Queensland's premier holiday destinations, with many touring England fans travelling up to the Sunshine Coast town this week in the wake of the Perth Test.
The players were seen stopping to take selfies with members of the public, as they walked along the beach towards the bar. Stokesā side are expected to return to training in the coming week, ahead of the third Test in Adelaide on 16 December.
While widespread scrutiny has followed them, the Bazballers have struggled to find their form in Australia, with pressure mounting on the England skipper and his players to deliver in Adelaide as they bid to salvage the series.
Stokes justified England's decision to take some time away from the nets on Sunday by claiming that it was important for his players to spend some time away from the cricket field to refresh themselves.
"Trust me when I say it is so-so important that teams when they do get an occasion or an opportunity to be able to go away as a team and just put the pressures of this [game] aside for a couple of days," he said.
Upon learning that England were heading to the Sunshine Coast after the Brisbane Test, some England fans were not happy.
"Enjoy Noosa while thousands of England fans have p***ed their hard-earned money down the drain watching you p****s," one fumed on social media. Another asked: "I'm all for relaxation but wtf is this?"
England have also continued to deploy their brash and aggressive Bazball brand of cricket in Australia, despite calls from some pundits to play more conservatively.
There were signs that attitudes were shifting during England's second innings in Brisbane, with Stokes and Will Jacks digging in at the crease as they attempted to rescue their second innings. The pair put together a partnership that was longer than both of their innings in the Perth Test, with Stokes bringing up a half-century before both players were dismissed.
Geoffrey Boycott, meanwhile, was another who didn't hold back in his assessment of England's performance in Brisbane, claiming that the Bazballers were stuck up their own backsides.
"Brisbane was a horror show: irresponsible batting, bowling too short, too wide or too full and catches dropped," Boycott wrote in his column in The Telegraph. "England talk the talk but canāt walk the walk. With this sort of batting and bowling, they couldnāt win an egg cup."
"Ben Stokes said England had a blueprint. They had been planning this tour for four years and know what they are doing. What a load of bulls***. We canāt believe anything Ben or his team say. None of them want to listen to anyone outside of their own camp."
"They are up their own backsides convinced that Test cricket has changed so much that only they know anything about the modern game."
Boycott also fired a veiled dig at Stokes for his comments, branding England's legends, Vaughan, Ian Botham and Boycott, 'has-beens' after they criticised England - comments that Stokes later apologised for.
He claimed that no one within the squad is ready to 'tell them off or sit them down and discuss what they could or should have done differently'. Boycott then added: "But what do I know? I am just a has-been who did four England tours of Australia, winning two Ashes series and drawing the other two."
Mark Butcher believes changes will be made to England's coaching set-up after a horror start to the Ashes. Butcher expects there to be changes to the coaching team once the series ends.
The former Test captain gave a warning to both head coach Brendon McCullum and managing director Rob Key following the latest setback. Asked if changes could be made after the series, Butcher told talkSPORT's The Warm Up: "I would imagine that things will change, whether that be with the coach, probably not with the captain.
"Possibly with Rob Key, simply because the emphasis on every selection decision, every performance, every sort of extra bit of aggression that's gone into the style of play over the last two-and-a-half years has been with this assignment in mind."
"Therefore if this assignment goes back and Australia are only going to have a better team the next time we play against them... three of their champion bowlers all missing from this Test match and we still go down in spectacular fashion and they're only going to get better.
"So the fear is that it could be another 5-0 from here and that's coming from somebody who had not (had) expectations of us winning the Ashes down there but putting up a really, really strong fight and that the idea that this team wouldn't win a Test match down there was faintly ridiculous.
"But after this performance against that Australian team, you're struggling to come up with any different conclusion.
"I mean that there will be changes and there always is after an Ashes series. Every four years we go through this cycle and people often pay the price with their jobs at the end of them."
Key and McCullum have been in their respective roles with England since 2022. England have failed to win any of the last four Ashes series dating back to a 3-2 victory in 2015.
Stokes, meanwhile, defiantly stated that his side will not be shying away from the task at hand, with England's hopes of ending their 14-year wait for an away Ashes victory now hanging by a thread.
The England skipper conceded that his side must be stronger when it comes to handling pressure as they look to close out matches. "When the game is on the line, teams are able to handle that pressure better than us,' the England skipper told TNT Sports on Sunday.
"We are a great team when we are ahead, when we are behind and playing huge catch-up we are great, but when the game is on the line, we are not able to stand up to pressure. That is obvious as a captain. It's a mentality, a mindset. How you get yourself into a headspace to make clear decisions is so important to be successful at this level."
"No one means to drop catches or not bowl where you are supposed to but those things cannot happen at this level."
Former England pacer, Steve Harmison, launched a seething attack on head coach, Brendon McCullum and the current Test team's playing style, coined 'Bazball' because of the pace at which they play. To England's credit, it has worked at home and in places like New Zealand and Pakistan somewhat but Australia has been a different beast and it will be interesting to see how quickly Ben Stokes and co. realise this, given that the visitors are already 0-2 down and the Ashes series is slipping away slowly.
After a superb first day with the bat, which saw England put up 325 runs on the board, riding on a Joe Root special, the visitors let all the advantage slip. Australia posted 511 runs on the board in their first innings and took a 177-run lead and started dictating terms. Harmison slammed the England batting line-up, saying that despite so many failures, the top seven has remained the same and is not learning, while giving the example of Will Jacks, who last played a Test match three years ago and was still able to apply better than the others.
"What we've got, unfortunately, with Bazball, we've had a very insular group, a very whether you want to call them arrogant or egotistical or whatever, the same seven batters, who have made the same mistakes constantly. From that point of view, I am looking at someone like Will Jacks, who came in from the outside and he played smartly with his head and he played the situation," Harmison told talkSport.
"The problem I have got with Bazball is that we keep making the same mistakes. So the guy who came in from the outside, he's tried to play his natural game, played the risk situation the way he saw it and he thought it was. All of a sudden, he got himself to 40, playing the way which we wanted them to play yesterday or the day before.
"When it came to yesterday and the day before, we've got a top seven brainwashed by Brendon McCullum in a way that will never ever work consistently because these players never learn from their mistakes," Harmison added, while heaping praise on Jacks, who curbed his natural instincts, played in the line of the ball, left the ones he had to and played on its merit.
Former England batter Jonathan Agnew slammed the 'Bazball' approach, calling it "unsustainable."
"I think Bazball is unsustainable. It did its job in the first year-picked up some broken players, got them enjoying cricket again, winning games and people loved watching it. It was good entertainment, but it's unsustainable. You can't play one-dimensional Test cricket and now it's crunch time. I think Bazball is dead, and we're going to see something different next time," Agnew said on BBC's Ashes Debrief.
Meanwhile, former captain, Ian Botham, expressed his anger at England's reckless performance in the second Test. He stated that if he had watched the match in Brisbane, he would have asked for a "refund."
"I'd be asking the ECB for a refund because this team, for me, is not prepared. I don't think the bowlers are fit enough or strong enough," Botham said on Triple M Radio.
Stand-in captain, Steve Smith, sealed the win with a six, as Australia took a 2-0 lead in the series. With five wins in as many games, Australia maintained their top spot in the World Test Championship (WTC) points table.
England, on the other hand, dropped one place to seventh after back-to-back defeats Down Under. They currently have a PCT of 30.95.
Team news: Pat Cummins should be fit for Adelaide while both Josh Hazlewood and Mark Wood have been ruled out of the series.
The Third Ashes Test is scheduled to take place from 17 - 21 December.
I am appalled by the English actions. With what's going on currently, there's no room for a break at the beach. They should be analysing where they can improve. The performances have been poor and I highly doubt it's due to tiredness. The players' mind might still be at the beach by the time the third Test begins.